Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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