Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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