it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize