Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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