Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
