if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize