I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
We talked him into tasing himself.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
