I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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