he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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