I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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