They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
