And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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