I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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