i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i wish my penis had a tongue
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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