Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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