he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
