I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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