Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize