Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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