He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Sext me about skeletons
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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