Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
