We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
