Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize