You can't motorboat a personality
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Randomize
