how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Randomize
