i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
