So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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