Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
