Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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