I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
my sisters under your porch take her home
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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