My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
