we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
