You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
