No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
