Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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