he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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