rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize