you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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