We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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