Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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