Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
