my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
