I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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