dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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