All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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