the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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