but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
meet me or not, i'm out of control
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
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