Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
