I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
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