it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
