I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
