I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
