Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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