When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
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