Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Randomize
