Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
