I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize