I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
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