I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
