I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
