I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
