pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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