So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Randomize
