I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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