how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
