I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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