were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
He shit in the fireplace
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
